The End of This Chapter

I know many have been wondering, what exactly is the story with Deanna's love life? Well I'm here now to answer all those questions. I wouldn't be writing this so soon if it weren't for One:Bodie crying at the door because mom and dad just left, Two: I had gotten a good nights sleep, Three: All I want to do right this second is text him and I know I can't/shouldn't. Ok so here is the story (mainly because I just need to get it out.)

I had wanted to see people all weekend. I was so bored at home all by myself...I really wanted to see Del and Carson but everytime I asked them to do something, they were busy working on Del's bike. Finally last night they said they wanted to come over and watch the rest of Adams videos he let us borrow, but they had to go to town to pick up Carsons' Girlfriend. When they got here, Del asked how I was - How I was feeling, and if "i was surviving" Well he wouldn't exactly know because I couldn't really talk on the phone. When we would text I thought he wanted nothing to do with me, and I hadn't really seen him much. So no he didn't know I am still in a lot of pain, i'm still very weak, can't talk, and can hardly eat. But instead of spilling all that out, I just simply said yes...Yes I am surviving.

We watched a snowmobile movie, and I though Janel (carsons girlfriend) Was bored the whole time. I'm not sure if she's the type to just have casual relaxing get togethers but i'm sure in time we'll find out. Del sat on the floor for the first movie, and the second all 4 of us on the couch. Although we were really crammed on the couch for the 2nd movie, it felt as though Del and I were miles apart...Even emotionally. My head hurt so bad, and I was too tired I think from going back to work too soon, So all I wanted to do was sleep. I kept nodding off and to my luck that video we watched last was VERY SHORT! I went to take my pain pills, Followed by Del to get some water. We stood in the kitchen, and I asked him a few simple questions that needed to be clearified. "have you been avoiding me..." -no, "Are you distancing yourself" -I'm not trying too. "is it over." -Seems so, nothing has been working. I watched him get 2 big tears in his eyes and they turned red. Eventhough they didn't stream down his face, I could see the saddness in his eyes. It's hard to say goodbye to something you didn't want to have to let go. We have had so many memories over the passed 2 years, almost to be exact. Seeing him tear-up I couldn't handle it and I started crying. Stepping aside, as to make a scene. He came to comfort me, but I knew it would only make it worse, if this is how it was going to be, I had to handle it on my own. In fact before he showed up, I had told mom and dad my feelings, I had explained the them that I can't live this lie anymore...I knew it was never going to work, I just needed help ending it. It was so hard to talk in the kitchen with Carson, Janel, Mom and Dad sitting about 15 feet from us, and we just needed to have a short, simple conversation about: What now.

Del and I headed upstairs so I could lay down my Watermelon head. He sat at the end of my bed, and we talked about our christmas presents, what breaking up means to us, and to cancel previous plans we had made together. He was upstairs for about a half hour when he kindly took down my hot compresses (Washclothes for my jaw) for mom to bring back up when they left. Since mom and Carson were so enthused by StormWatchers he just brought them back up, said he was sorry and went to leave. I told him "Del, don't appologize for how you feel. It didn't work, we tried and that's that. We can't change whats not meant to be, and for that, we just have to greatful for what we did have." He nodded and walked down the stairs. Every part of me begged him and wanted him to come back and just sit and talk with me. I wanted to know so many things, like when he was going to start dating, what he was going to do next....If he had already started making decisions....I wanted to know it all, but I knew inside that it's not right, and to say goodbye - truely means saying goodbye.

Del returned upstairs one last time. I wanted one last kiss, but never got one. It didn't feel right to bring it up. Del and my anniversary is Dec. 22nd. And that is the day that marks our very first kiss. We broke up June 7th, exactly 6 months for last night. I can't say that I regret anything about Del and Me. We had a lot of great times, and he helped me grow and figure out alot. Had it not been for him the passed couple months I truely don't think I would have had to courage myself to realize and accept that I need to go back to school. Eventhough, I feel that he is the reason I left in the first place. So, we began with a kiss on the cheek, as he left town to go to california and it has ended with a kiss on my forehead, as he left my room for the last time. I cried quite a bit. It was so hard letting me go, thinking about all the things I truely adore about him, and things I never ever dreamed of letting go. Everything I had wanted to do with him, and things I hadn't had the chance of accomplishing yet. He'll always have a special place in my heart, and I have no doubt we won't still have a special friendship - but that my friends is where it ends.

Now, It will be a long hard road I think to compeletly get over this. What's next you may ask ? Well Tell all your friends, Deanna is single and ready to mingle. haha ok not quite that, but still. Please be paitent. Please realize that if you call, and i'm hanging out with Del, this doesnt mean i'm weak and gave in. IT'S OVER, and we are just friends. No more holding hands, cuddling, kissing....no more. I don't want to hear any suggestions on how to get over him, I don't want to anyone to bad mouth or trash talk Del. He is the most wonderful person in the world. I'm so delighted I had him in my life for so long. I wish him the best, and can only cross my fingers that the family will still be good friends with him. In fact the first thing he said stephanie was "Am I still invited to Bear Lake?" haha we'll see how I feel at that point in time, but I hope the family can accept that this is a huge step. I'm willing to make my boyfriend, my best friend...and let it end there. This is the end of a great chapter in my life, now it's time to head to school in April and start a new one. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers...

Thank you! I love you all.

Del-

I have some letters I'd like to give you. Please don't say sorry for what happend. We both went away and came back 2 different people like we've said all along. We both have different goals in life. We're headed 2 opposite directions. I appreciate the comfort and love you've given to me, and hope that someday you too find someone who offers you love and happiness. I have no doubt we'll look back in years to come, and be greatful we made this move. It is what was destined to happen. I love you for all the memories we shared, and all the good times we had together. I'm always here for you if you need anything. Please don't ever hesitate to call upon me if your stuck in a rut, although my neon might have trouble pulling your truck out. haha kidding but seriously, I'll still kick your trash in my neon anyday. & once again don't hate me, cause if you do "that just means i'm special". -Good times my friend, many.... many good times.

Love always,

Deanna

[THE END.]